I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
