he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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