so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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