i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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