We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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