is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
