I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
