The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
