yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
