The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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