please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
