1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
