the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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