she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
