I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
