Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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