Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
