Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
