Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
