theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
