Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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