I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
