OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
