God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
