My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
