i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
