Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
