New low: just hacked my moms facebook
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
