She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
