"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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