sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Randomize
