I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
