hotel room ftw
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
