You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
