hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
