1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
