Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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