I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
