A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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