Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
