remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
