Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
