So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
