I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
