His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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