Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
