Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
