mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
