you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
