i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
