So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
