i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
